I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You smell like stripper and shame
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
