Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
