totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I still have a little drunk in my system
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
