I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
