Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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