I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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