I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
