What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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