He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
She told me I should be a condom model.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
It's rum buckets o'clock
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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