It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
