if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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