id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Randomize
