it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
