kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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