the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
