dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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