You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
