I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
