did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize