I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
