i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
