he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
