I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
