Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize