fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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