I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
