I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
