i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I don't deserve a penis
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
