i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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