How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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