Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
