He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize