One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
