I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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