ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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