Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
