We named our party play list daddy issues
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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