then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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