So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
