This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
