allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Randomize
