Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
This house was built for laser tag.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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