I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
