Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
