You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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