Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
