based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
