i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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