I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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