Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Randomize
