Where did you get a picture of my penis
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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