neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
