There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
