I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
