my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
