i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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