he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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