Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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