Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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