Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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