god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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