a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
