I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
