i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
