apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
