Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
