we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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